Mindless or Binge Eating

Today I did some mindless eating.  I do this often, but today I realized it and decided to write about it.  I was making dinner this afternoon and did a bit too much tasting as I was doing it.  I made home made wheat sandwich rolls to go with the pulled pork I made.  I had one of them after they came out of the oven.  It was delish, but before I knew it I ate another.  Yes I was hungry, it was 5 pm.  I know I should've had a snack earlier around 3 or 4.  I knew we weren't going to eat until later because the inlaws were here.  I didn't plan that too well.  The eating on the go thing is not good for me.  I tend to eat mindlessly.  I am going to try harder to only eat when I am sitting at the table.  I have been thinking about this a lot lately.  I often eat in the car, in the living room, sneak little snacks here and there.  I am not sure why I do this.  Sometimes it is so I don't have to share.  Sometimes I am too embarrased to be eating again, or know that I shouldn't be eating something so I sneak it.  I don't know where this came from.  It stems back to childhood.  I remember scrounging (is that a word?) through the cupboards at home when no one was around trying to find "treats."  I did it while babysitting at others' houses- eating anything and everything that was bad for me.  When I learned to drive I would go through the drive through and eat fast food "because I could".  I remember sitting in my bedroom and eating a whole 1 pound bag of jelly beans or M&M's and then feeling sick to my stomach.  I remember eating my roomates "junk food" while they were gone and then replacing it.  Why didn't I just buy my own to begin with?  Even recently when the hubs was out of town my first thought was what should I eat for supper - chinese, pizza, etc... Lord knows he is the king of crappy eating so why would I hide it from him?  I would never eat fast food and pay with a debit card because I wouldn't want my hubs to know.  I also be sure to get rid of the evidence of any junk food I eat.  This is really sad. I know that I want to set a healthy example and people often comment on how they never see me eat poorly.  I love hearing that and I put on a good front but I truely should say "you should have seen me earlier..."  Why did/do I feel the need to do this?  No one cares about what I eat.  I wasn't held from eating bad things as a child, I don't know what this means. I don't know if I think that I will never be able to eat bad things again or why I feel the need to gorge and hide it. Sometimes I find that I am an ALL OR NOTHING kind of gal.  So maybe when I get into something I find that I have to do it all correctly or I go off the deep end.  WW is good for me because it allows me to eat what I want in moderation.  I just need to get myself to believe that this is okay.  It's okay to have a treat once in awhile.  I just need to plan for it and then keep right on track.  I handful of M&M's is much more satisfying than 1 pound... really it is!!  I also need to realize that I don't have to portray and image of being the healthiest around because look at me - It's quite obvious that I didn't get to this weight from eating lettuce and running everyday.   This blog is for me to learn to be more honest with myself and as I am learning, I am going to put it out there.  It may not always make sense, but I am trying to figure me out.