Friday, April 16, 2010

Mindless or Binge Eating

Today I did some mindless eating.  I do this often, but today I realized it and decided to write about it.  I was making dinner this afternoon and did a bit too much tasting as I was doing it.  I made home made wheat sandwich rolls to go with the pulled pork I made.  I had one of them after they came out of the oven.  It was delish, but before I knew it I ate another.  Yes I was hungry, it was 5 pm.  I know I should've had a snack earlier around 3 or 4.  I knew we weren't going to eat until later because the inlaws were here.  I didn't plan that too well.  The eating on the go thing is not good for me.  I tend to eat mindlessly.  I am going to try harder to only eat when I am sitting at the table.  I have been thinking about this a lot lately.  I often eat in the car, in the living room, sneak little snacks here and there.  I am not sure why I do this.  Sometimes it is so I don't have to share.  Sometimes I am too embarrased to be eating again, or know that I shouldn't be eating something so I sneak it.  I don't know where this came from.  It stems back to childhood.  I remember scrounging (is that a word?) through the cupboards at home when no one was around trying to find "treats."  I did it while babysitting at others' houses- eating anything and everything that was bad for me.  When I learned to drive I would go through the drive through and eat fast food "because I could".  I remember sitting in my bedroom and eating a whole 1 pound bag of jelly beans or M&M's and then feeling sick to my stomach.  I remember eating my roomates "junk food" while they were gone and then replacing it.  Why didn't I just buy my own to begin with?  Even recently when the hubs was out of town my first thought was what should I eat for supper - chinese, pizza, etc... Lord knows he is the king of crappy eating so why would I hide it from him?  I would never eat fast food and pay with a debit card because I wouldn't want my hubs to know.  I also be sure to get rid of the evidence of any junk food I eat.  This is really sad. I know that I want to set a healthy example and people often comment on how they never see me eat poorly.  I love hearing that and I put on a good front but I truely should say "you should have seen me earlier..."  Why did/do I feel the need to do this?  No one cares about what I eat.  I wasn't held from eating bad things as a child, I don't know what this means. I don't know if I think that I will never be able to eat bad things again or why I feel the need to gorge and hide it. Sometimes I find that I am an ALL OR NOTHING kind of gal.  So maybe when I get into something I find that I have to do it all correctly or I go off the deep end.  WW is good for me because it allows me to eat what I want in moderation.  I just need to get myself to believe that this is okay.  It's okay to have a treat once in awhile.  I just need to plan for it and then keep right on track.  I handful of M&M's is much more satisfying than 1 pound... really it is!!  I also need to realize that I don't have to portray and image of being the healthiest around because look at me - It's quite obvious that I didn't get to this weight from eating lettuce and running everyday.   This blog is for me to learn to be more honest with myself and as I am learning, I am going to put it out there.  It may not always make sense, but I am trying to figure me out.

1 comment:

  1. I can sooo relate to your post here. Not sure why the sneaking and sabotaging yourself happens, I would like some insight on that as well. Being accountable has helped as far as my sucess goes, but still there are moments when no one is watching that I tend to overeat. On a positive note though, the foods that I choose now are much better than before...i think the no processed/fast food has really helped with this, I truely do not crave fried foods, ever. Trying to give myself pep talks that I am worth it, and trying to figure out why I have the urge to eat (boredom, sadness, etc) and focusing the energy elsewhere seems to help some what. Chewing gum, drinking water, etc. But with all things there are moments of weakness and stumbling can't beat yourself up over them, you just have to move on! One day at a you said, which has become my mantra lately..."a goal without a plan, is simply a wish"