Craving alone time...

Oh to be alone.  I really really need time to myself to be sane and happy.  I have always known this about myself, but it is more and more clear lately.  It is not that I am not grateful for my wonderful husband or my adorable child but I need some time with me.  Now that the hubby is laid off he is around all the time.  We are sharing one vehicle, one cellphone, and one computer.  I rarely even get to drive to work by myself!!  I miss Target and TJ Maxx.  I miss feeling secure financially.  This is a great learning experience for us.  I have learned that I enjoy being alone occasionally.  This is also one of my overeating triggers though too.  I think I get so excited to be alone that I react by eating.  Take tonight for example.  The hubs went out with a friend for a couple hours.  As soon as he left I went to the cupboard for a snack.  I had a (one) cool ranch dorito - YUCK, threw those away  (plus it was stall).  Then I opened the bag of baked cheetohs.  I had a handful.  NOT Satisfying.  Then I ate a reeses peanut butter cup.  Then I thought a bit about why I was eating.  I was so happy to be alone.  The kiddo was in bed and I could have some time to myself.  I curled up on the couch with a blanket and read my book.  That was more satisfying than anything I put in my mouth.  Why do I eat like this?  I don't know.  It's my first instinct.  I am working on it and am so proud of myself for stopping when I did.  It is so important to spend some time with your thoughts and emotions and get to know YOU.  I am not good at this, but I am learning.   I went for a 4 mile run today and it was heavenly, but not long enough.  I didn't want it to end.  It felt SO GOOD.  I should've kept going but I didn't.  When I got home I was irritable because I wasn't done spending time with myself.  A lesson to me: Schedule more ME time in my days.  Our lives are under a lot of stress right now and it is so important to remain healthy.  My goal for August is to put aside a bit of time for me every day.  I'll keep you posted.

On another note: I have lost more weight since I quit WW than I did in the last month or so that I was going.  I have been listening to my body and eating what it needs.  Interesting how this is.  I hope I can keep it up.  I think August will bring good things.

Peace...

I realized that I haven't posted my weight in forever.  Not that anyone really reads this anyway.  I feel a huge sense of peace the last few days.  I quit weight watchers to save some money but I will still be eating healthy.  Just not counting points.  I have realized that I am a huge compulsive/emotional eater.  Probably on the verge of an eating disorder actually.  I have come to terms with it and am working hard on fixing this issue.  It feels so good and PEACEFUL really... to not be on a diet any longer.  I am really concentrating on eating what my body wants and needs.  I will be writing a long post about this in the near future, but I just wanted to check in and let you know that I am on my way to finding peace with my weight issue.  More on this later....

The rug pulled out from underneath

Today the hubs lost his job.  It was  pretty much a total surprise.  We heard a rumor 2 days ago that this might be happening but it still isn't much warning.  It makes you think and it's a good lesson to not take things for granted.  He was doing very well at his job. He was the number 3 in sales out of 15.  It downright sucks really.  But we will be okay.  I have a great job and can easily pick up more hours.  This may lead to bigger and better things.  We aren't always the best with our money and this is a great lesson for us to build up our savings for emergency situations like this.  Bad luck comes in threes... He lost his wedding ring last week, now he lost his job... We'll just wait and see what the third thing is.  I had a sick feeling this weekend and couldn't sleep because I felt like something bad was going to happen.  It could be much worse though. 

I didn't weigh in today.  I will probably quit my WW membership to help save some money.  I did run this morning and I ate better today than I have in a long time.  Maybe this situation will make some good changes in all of us in many ways.

When life gives you lemons... make lemonaid.

Stressed and Crazy

That is me today in a nutshell.  Our internet is down for some reason so I haven't been able to post pictures of my eats.  I am on the hub's work computer and using wireless internet right now so I'm sorry for the lack of posting.  This isn't going to be a heartwarming post either.  I feel sorry for people with mental illness and can relate today.  Long story short - I decided a few weeks ago to go back on the infertility drug I used before.   I was doing fairly well until today.  Today I felt crazy.  I can't concentrate, think straight and feel like I want to scream or cry and any given moment.  I wouldn't have liked to gone back to bed and slept the day away.  I made it through, barely... in one piece.  I won't bore you with the details of my craziness, but I just needed to put it out there.  This hasn't been a good week for me either food-wise.  Stress and emotions lead me to poor food choices. END of Story.  This I need to work on.  Any suggestions?

I'm back!!

Starting tomorrow I will be taking pictures of my food again.  This keeps me most honest.    I have been on vacation for the last week and a half.  Honestly I never even took my tracker out of my purse... Sad.  I did do quite a bit of running though.  I don't feel good though due to my poor eating.  Keep me honest and keep me motivated. Tomorrow is a new day.

Big girl pants

I'm pulling up my big girl pants and trying to change my attitude.  I think I just needed an attitude adjustment!  It took until Saturday to do it, but I'm not going to dwell on it. I finally got to sleep in Saturday morning - until 9:30!!  Then I ran 5 miles and felt like a million bucks!!  I now I've said this before, but I'll say it again- Sleep does a mind and body good.  Ever since we went camping the kiddo has decided to start his day at 6 am.  He used to sleep until 8:30...  I really like working out before he gets up but once again I need to be flexible because I am a mommy and that isn't going to change any time soon. 

My goal for this week is to only eat at the kitchen table.  Sounds simple right?  I have been paying very close to my habits this past week.  I tend to eat mindlessly when I am stressed, and I never sit down at the table while I am doing it.  That is my goal and to weigh in on thursday.

In other news...My sisters and I started training for a half marathon in October!  Well I should say they started last monday.  I started on Saturday!  I am on it today though, don't you worry.  Today is a cross training day.  I am going to do my Kenpo-X workout from the P-90x dvds.

I am contemplating joining the YMCA again. It is only 1.5 miles from our house and I think it has a lot more things for the kiddo to do now that he is a little bigger.  I think I will go check it out today.  They have a lot of classes like spinning, yoga, pilates, etc...  Plus they have a pool and I'd love to swim laps occasionally.  Just a thought!

Random note : I've discovered that I love sweet potatoes... plain! 

Have a good day!

Caution: not a uplifting post!!

So I've been really struggling this week...  Mentally and physically.  I've been trying to think of a blog post for the last couple days and I've got nothing good to say.  I am not sure why I've been down in the dumps the last couple days.  I haven't tracked a single thing since last wednesday. BOO.  We went camping this last weekend and had an absolute blast.  I didn't eat terribly and I even worked out a couple times!  The problem has been since Sunday.  I am not sure why, but I can't get enough to eat... and it's not good stuff either.  I am getting tired of constantly thinking about food.  It seems to be consuming my life.  Don't get me wrong, I love food and all things about it... I just hate feeling so out of control.  I especially hate that it is controlling my life.  I am sick of basing how good of a time I had on how well I ate.  I was thinking about this the other day and how long I have been like this.  I can even remember on my wedding day saying "It's my wedding - so I can have a piece of cake!"  Seriously? This is really sad that I have to give myself permission to eat "bad things".  I have been reading a book about intuitive eating.  It is about giving up dieting and listening to your body.  It is totally contradictory of doing WW although WW does try to emphasize a lot of the points in the book.  The idea is to give up counting calories, points, etc  and truely listening to your body.  It is about facing your feelings and not using food to cover them up, it is about paying attention to hunger signals, making peace with food, etc...  All of these things are things I need to work on.  I am torn about continuing to pay for WW when I am not being strict with myself.  I am sick of gaining and losing the same few pounds. I am SICK OF BEING FAT.  I know that the only person that can do this for me is ME.  But if I can't seem to do it then what??  I know this post is a downer but this is my place to pout. The other thing that has been on my mind is going back on infertility drugs.  I really want to have another baby.  My plan was to lose weight to see if my periods became regular.  Well they aren't, and I haven't lost enough weight to tell if this will help.  I don't want to have to make this decision.  Drugs or no drugs?  Diet or not to diet?  I'm struggling...