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I'm back....

Well it's been about a year. Lots to fill you in on. Since my last post, I got pregnant (with the help of fertility drugs), had a beautiful baby girl at the end of March, started WW again and am back to working on myself again. Sorry for the long break. The hubs got a job after a long six months of being unemployed. I was very sick the first half of my pregnancy and worked lots and lots of extra hours the second half. I had a wonderful delivery, a 12 week maternity leave that ended this week and need your help to keep me motivated and accountable for getting back on track to good health. I rejoined WW 4 weeks after I had the baby. That was too early. I wasn't ready to take care of myself. I think I floated through the first two months in survival mode. Taking care of a crabby baby and a three year old was harder to manage than I thought. Thankfully the last month has been better. I have lost about 10 lbs, started exersizing again and have much more of a handle on things. The babes is much less crabby and the three year old is adjusting well too. I am not super excited to be back at work, but I guess it will be good to use my brain again. I have started training for a triathlon. It is at the end of august. I haven't signed up yet, but I am getting close. I have been back in the pool swimming laps, bought a used bike from a friend, and am still enjoying running. I can't believe how much I missed the pool. It's been years since I swam, but it's kind of like riding a bike. It all comes back to you. Flip turns were a little rough at first. My lung capacity isn't what it used to be!! I have this cool app on my phone that tracks my miles, speed and has a gps that I am loving for running and biking. Most of all I enjoy the "ME" time I get when I work out. The last couple weeks have been a bit of a struggle in the food department I will admit. Last night I read through all my prior blog posts and remembered how much it helped me to keep up with this, so I decided to start it back up again. I don't have my own personal computer right now so you will have to bare with me if I don't post every day. I hope that you can help keep me motivated.










Welcome back me!

I'm counting my blessings..

I had a tough day at work on Thursday and I want to tell you about it.  I am not one to take work home with me.  So much that I often forget names of patients I took care of yesterday.  Sad really, but true.  Thursday I took care of a sweet family that I will NEVER forget.  I was supposed to work my usual 3-11 shift but my boss called me at 8:30 and asked me if I could come in "like now."  I said sure and would be there in an hour.  Then she told me that my assignment would be to take care of a full term demise.  (A stillborn).  Umm could I change my mind and say that I was unavailable?...  I moaned and growned a bit, but went in.  The poor girl came in in labor that morning all excited because she was having contractions.  She was 2 days past her due date for her second child.  The nurse that admitted her was unable to find a heartbeat.  He baby boy was no longer alive.  She knew for sure she felt him move on Tuesday night.  "He was doing the olympics in there."  I took care of her through her labor and delivery.  She delivered a beautiful boy 8 lbs 2 oz.  He was perfect in every way.  Just not alive.  It was the most heart wrenching thing.  He had his umbilical cord wrapped tightly around him 4 times.  At first she didn't want to see him so I took him out of the room.  I cleaned him up and dressed him in a little blue outfit and hat.  A couple hours later I sat and held her hand and told her how perfect he was and that she really should hold him.  It would be her only chance.  I brought him into the room and handed him to her.  I held her hand while she sobbed.  It was so heartbreaking.  I cried with her and her family.  Today I went to the wake.  It is amazing how strong people can be.  I believe that having a strong faith that some things are out of our hands is the only way through things like this. As hard as days like this are for me, it is much harder for the patient.  It is days like this why I know I am a nurse.  I love my job even when it is terrible.  Today I am counting my blessings.

Craving alone time...

Oh to be alone.  I really really need time to myself to be sane and happy.  I have always known this about myself, but it is more and more clear lately.  It is not that I am not grateful for my wonderful husband or my adorable child but I need some time with me.  Now that the hubby is laid off he is around all the time.  We are sharing one vehicle, one cellphone, and one computer.  I rarely even get to drive to work by myself!!  I miss Target and TJ Maxx.  I miss feeling secure financially.  This is a great learning experience for us.  I have learned that I enjoy being alone occasionally.  This is also one of my overeating triggers though too.  I think I get so excited to be alone that I react by eating.  Take tonight for example.  The hubs went out with a friend for a couple hours.  As soon as he left I went to the cupboard for a snack.  I had a (one) cool ranch dorito - YUCK, threw those away  (plus it was stall).  Then I opened the bag of baked cheetohs.  I had a handful.  NOT Satisfying.  Then I ate a reeses peanut butter cup.  Then I thought a bit about why I was eating.  I was so happy to be alone.  The kiddo was in bed and I could have some time to myself.  I curled up on the couch with a blanket and read my book.  That was more satisfying than anything I put in my mouth.  Why do I eat like this?  I don't know.  It's my first instinct.  I am working on it and am so proud of myself for stopping when I did.  It is so important to spend some time with your thoughts and emotions and get to know YOU.  I am not good at this, but I am learning.   I went for a 4 mile run today and it was heavenly, but not long enough.  I didn't want it to end.  It felt SO GOOD.  I should've kept going but I didn't.  When I got home I was irritable because I wasn't done spending time with myself.  A lesson to me: Schedule more ME time in my days.  Our lives are under a lot of stress right now and it is so important to remain healthy.  My goal for August is to put aside a bit of time for me every day.  I'll keep you posted.

On another note: I have lost more weight since I quit WW than I did in the last month or so that I was going.  I have been listening to my body and eating what it needs.  Interesting how this is.  I hope I can keep it up.  I think August will bring good things.

Peace...

I realized that I haven't posted my weight in forever.  Not that anyone really reads this anyway.  I feel a huge sense of peace the last few days.  I quit weight watchers to save some money but I will still be eating healthy.  Just not counting points.  I have realized that I am a huge compulsive/emotional eater.  Probably on the verge of an eating disorder actually.  I have come to terms with it and am working hard on fixing this issue.  It feels so good and PEACEFUL really... to not be on a diet any longer.  I am really concentrating on eating what my body wants and needs.  I will be writing a long post about this in the near future, but I just wanted to check in and let you know that I am on my way to finding peace with my weight issue.  More on this later....

The rug pulled out from underneath

Today the hubs lost his job.  It was  pretty much a total surprise.  We heard a rumor 2 days ago that this might be happening but it still isn't much warning.  It makes you think and it's a good lesson to not take things for granted.  He was doing very well at his job. He was the number 3 in sales out of 15.  It downright sucks really.  But we will be okay.  I have a great job and can easily pick up more hours.  This may lead to bigger and better things.  We aren't always the best with our money and this is a great lesson for us to build up our savings for emergency situations like this.  Bad luck comes in threes... He lost his wedding ring last week, now he lost his job... We'll just wait and see what the third thing is.  I had a sick feeling this weekend and couldn't sleep because I felt like something bad was going to happen.  It could be much worse though. 

I didn't weigh in today.  I will probably quit my WW membership to help save some money.  I did run this morning and I ate better today than I have in a long time.  Maybe this situation will make some good changes in all of us in many ways.

When life gives you lemons... make lemonaid.

Stressed and Crazy

That is me today in a nutshell.  Our internet is down for some reason so I haven't been able to post pictures of my eats.  I am on the hub's work computer and using wireless internet right now so I'm sorry for the lack of posting.  This isn't going to be a heartwarming post either.  I feel sorry for people with mental illness and can relate today.  Long story short - I decided a few weeks ago to go back on the infertility drug I used before.   I was doing fairly well until today.  Today I felt crazy.  I can't concentrate, think straight and feel like I want to scream or cry and any given moment.  I wouldn't have liked to gone back to bed and slept the day away.  I made it through, barely... in one piece.  I won't bore you with the details of my craziness, but I just needed to put it out there.  This hasn't been a good week for me either food-wise.  Stress and emotions lead me to poor food choices. END of Story.  This I need to work on.  Any suggestions?